My Life as a Wife

I love documenting everything that happens... especially the ones I will look back at and laugh. We yesterday we had our first "pregnancy" melt down. It was over Chile Queso. YES. Chile Queso. I decided that I should probably escape the house finally. So, I went to Hopdoddy's to get two milkshakes, fries, and of course, Chile Queso. It took me about an hour to get to this location due to crazy Dallas traffic. I have been craving this Chile Queso for the past two days. This Chile Queso is amazing... and expensive. But basically perfection. I am just trying to make it sound way more important than ordinary Queso. HA! So.. driving the 5 more minutes to Brigham's work, I could smell the dip and could not wait. I arrive to his work, excited to see him and hungry. Maybe a little hangry. I proceeded to open the Queso and place it on the middle console. I look in my rear view mirror and see Brigham heading my way. I was excited! I got fries, Queso, and the worlds greatest milkshakes... oh and my husband of course. He gets in the car, picks up my purse on the seat, lifts it up and over to the back, and BAM.... spills it all down my seat! Over 3/4 of the container. And I just started crying. In my mind I knew that I was only crying because I really wanted that Queso and I tried to stop, because that is just silly to cry over cheese. I really should have been crying over the fact that the cheese burnt my butt and got all over the back of my pants. But I wasn't. Brigham didn't even know what to do. He grabbed napkins and started cleaning it up. I was just sitting in cheese bawling. Just like that my dad was ruined. HAHA! I left in anger because of the stupidest mistake he made by hitting the cup of cheese. I don't think I made it out of the parking lot before I stopped crying and realized that this was the baby talking. Yes, I blame the baby. "She" or as Brigham says "he" was the one craving the Queso. When baby wants something, baby really wants something. Brigham called about 20 minutes later stating that he will pick some up for me on his way home and I quickly responded, "that is okay. Baby wants to throw it up now." Oh these next 8 months are going to be the best!!!

Oh boy, I have not written in here for awhile. So I may as well explain a summary of what we have been going through. And I think it is just time i put these challenges in document.

I have dreamed of being a stay at home mom as long as I can remember. I remember being in 7th grade and having to type our goals in life. Mine always included getting married, having 7 kids, and being a stay at home mom. Never did it ever have a career that I wanted. Never did it say anything about a great university that I wanted to go to. Never did it even talk about having a job, besides maybe photography for fun. All I wanted was to be a wife and a stay at home mom. That is it. I told it to anyone that asked me. And I still say this to this day. My life was in a bubble... I never considered in a million years that it would be hard for me to become a mom. Never did I imagine having to go through what we had to go through to get a baby. Never did I picture the issue being this. Never did I imagine having to make these decisions. Never did I ever think I would be going to fertility doctors. I never thought about this. I always knew that I was going to get married and than get pregnant. I just knew that it was going to so easy because this is what I wanted. This is the only thing I wanted.

Starting February of 2015 Brigham and I have decided to try and start our family. Screw all the methods of preventing this, we were going to have a baby. It was one of those decisions that I did not even need to think about. Well from February to July, I swore I was pregnant every single month. Obviously I would be holding my 9 month old baby by now if this had happened. Once we moved to Texas in August, we decided that we needed to get serious about this, because something isn't working. It was so hard for me to swallow my pride and admit that it just wasn't working. I scheduled an OB appointment just for a check up. They did a sonogram on my belly and they couldn't see my uterus. So they did it vaginally; and sure enough they found I had a tilted uterus... whatever that means. They scheduled me to have this fixed in October. September was full of blood work. Well, October comes and they told me that this procedure should fix the issue. I got the procedure done, which hurt like a bad word. We were confident though. So, back to baby making. September comes and not pregnant. I called my OB back and said that I am still not pregnant and am not going to try for another 6 months before getting help. Yes, they had an ugly baby hungry woman on their hands. I insisted on medication or other options. Sorry, but I am not waiting any longer. Well, the scared OB put me on Clomid. Poor Brigham... this stuff made me crazy. At this time, we did not really tell anyone of these issues. I think by October I finally started to tell my mom little by little. I just did not know if this is one of those things that you talk about. Well a month on clomid and nothing happens (besides hormonal Callie being crazy). They OB's assistant prescribed me some more. I felt weird that they were not monitoring me at all. Like here I am taking medication that makes my ovaries huge and my hormones everywhere, shouldn't they be doing something? Finally December comes by and still not pregnant. I called the OB and just asked to run every test on my husband. Them being the worst OB, refused until I have done three rounds of clomid. I was annoyed. I knew in my heart that I was not the issue. Brigham was anxious to get tested... he wanted to know if it was him. What husband willingly offers to get his boys tested? He is amazing. So, December I took clomid again. We went home for the holidays and I came back determined to get my husband tested. I called in January saying that I was not pregnant still and that I want a sperm analysis on my husband. Brigham and I both were eager. The dumb assistant still refused. Luckily, Brigham married a head strong woman, and I basically told her to do the sperm analysis. She still made me do clomid for January, but at least my husband gets tested. Brigham took the test and we just had to wait for results.

Finally... the day we have been waiting for. The day that changed the whole game. THE SPERM RESULTS. 0. 0. 0. NON EXISTENT. NOTHING. ZIP. BLANK. I think that describes the results. I was heart broken. my friend Ana was in town when we found this out and I just felt so bad. I called Brigham and told him the results. He just kept telling me to stop lying to him. He thought I was pulling his leg. Holding back a ton tears, I told him that I loved him and that everything was going to be okay. I told him we will go to the best fertility doctor there was. So that is just what we did. We visited with Dr. Lee and we got nothing but comfort. He first started out by asking if sperm donation was an option for us... I quickly responded never. He was telling us how Brigham could still be producing sperm, it just is blocked. And that all we would have to do is cut into Brigham's balls and remove the sperm ourselves (well the doctors). Shoot, I will take this over anything! So we were hopeful! We walked out feeling like everything will be okay!. The amount of male parts that I have learned of is ridiculous. The doctor told us that he was sending us to a urologist for more testing... he just forgot to mention that this doctor is a douche bag. I don't even feel bad for using these words.. and you will see why.

So, we got an appointment with Mr. D (don't remember his name, we just called him this). Here walks in a bulky Asian (didn't know those existed)with the whole "comb over" due going on, and his scrubs a little too small for his size. He was a tool. Tools should not work with fertility people. He walks in and asks all these questions "When was the last time you sat in a hot tub, or a bath", "What is your medical history" OHHH and my favorite, directed to me, "Are you sure you are not the problem?" Excuse me as my middle fingers pops up. I am the worst but he was terrible. I stated many times that I was sure it wasn't me. But he kept telling me that it probably was. HELLLLO you work with penises for a living not ovaries.. back off. Well he told us that he would not re do a semen analysis or any blood work for another 3 months. Because apparently one hot bath could kill sperm for up to three months. It has been over a year.. I am sure this isn't the issue. I insisted on getting another sperm analysis for him. Dr. D finally agreed. We came back a few weeks later to get the results. Once again there were no sperm count. Dr. D told us that he was not doing any more tests for another two months. I basically told him to do that blood work. That we did not care about the price and we did not care for his opinion. I am a witch. So we got blood work done. In March we had to go back and get the results. Dr. D came in and this is the exact words he said, "You knew you were genetically messed up, right?" EXCUSE ME. You are emotionally and physically messed up and I will cut you. HA! I was furious. He then began to tell us that Brigham had zero sperm count.. ohhhh and "well, that sucks". Thanks Dr. D. I think we eventually changed it to Dr. A. We were heart broken. I never thought I would have this issue. I didn't know how to feel. I just felt useless. I felt like there was just no point in all of this if we can't have our own children. I was broken. Brigham was broken.

We notified out families because we finally realized that this is just not something we could do on our end. I was depressed. Brigham couldn't even cope with his feelings. I just felt useless. Here I am 18 years old... how the heck could I already be going though this. HOW! WHY! I am so young, why can't I have acne problems. We felt love from family. Well, Brigham walks in one night and starts asking why I denied sperm donations so quickly. To be honest, I thought this was highly against the church. I thought we would go to hell. Brigham just kept telling me that he feels so at peace with a sperm donations. He just kept mentioning it to me. We prayed and prayed and fasted and did everything we needed. I was still so concerned with this. Like how would this affect Brigham in the long run....After talking with my mom and my aunt, I felt comforted. Adoption was always in our plan... so what is the difference? Either baby would be OUR baby and we would love that baby no matter what path it came from. I finally told Brigham that we could talk to our fertility doctor about this process. We made sure that our parents approved this, and that is all that mattered to us. Well, we finally got to see that doctor. He was so comforting. And we decided that we were going to go for it. So we went home and went sperm shopping. We send out a message to our families to let them know what was going on. And honestly, this was the hardest part. You never know how far love can really go until you tell your family that you are doing sperm donation. My family was so excited and comforting. I got nothing but great responses. Honestly, I am going to tell the truth about this situation and I don't even care what some may think. Because this is what we went through. Brigham's side wasn't so loving. We sent the text and only got 3 responses back... 3. He has 7 siblings and all are married except 2. Three.. three responses. Two were so happy for us and the other just said "love you guys." I was heart broken. Here I have at over 25 people texting me telling me that they are excited for me! over 25. And here my husband is staring at his phone looking at only two happy text and a "love you guys.". I was furious. I felt heartbroken for Brigham. Family is everything to me and here his side is... not doing what family has to do. Whatever.

Brigham finally got the nerves to call some siblings a few days later to see what they thought. Some just said "If you feel right about this then do it, but you know how I feel" which I think is nice.. and then we got a "well I think that is just weird." and the worst of all, one just completely cut us out of their lives. I was angry. And I had every right to be. Swallow whatever issues you have and text us even a "love you guys". I don't even care if you text us a middle finger with that message, at least send something. I had the hardest time with this and Brigham had nothing to say about this. He has such a great heart and he did not want to think of his family in any bad way. Finally, weeks later he opened up. He broke down and just expressed it all. I was even more upset... I knew my husband was hurting and I couldn't do anything about this. I could go and punch them, but that wouldn't change anything. I could only comfort him by telling him that we have worked so hard for this and we know that it is right.

Well, back to baby making. In June we did the IUI. I told the doctor to ignore checking my tubes because I just didn't want to do it. I was put on medication and a shot to make me ovulate. I had to go in for two ultrasounds each cycle to see how everything is. Well, June cycle did not work. I was upset. I went in to my doctor and my ovaries were massive... I had follicles still growing and they never dropped around ovulation time. My uterus lining was way too thin to carry anything, thanks to my OB that kept giving me clomid and not monitoring it. UGH! So we had to give my body a month break. I was a little excited for this, but still bummed. End of July comes and we get to start this whole process over again. We were even more confident. I told my doctor to go ahead and check my tubes. Which in all honestly, I feel like the last one did not work because I was skipping steps that needed to be taken, just to get the result that I wanted. So there is a lesson learned. We got the IUI and we both were excited. We just knew. August 10th comes and I take a pregnancy test... instant positive. I did not want to get my hopes up because the shot I take could give me a false positive. So I took one Thursday and positive again! I refused to let Brigham get his hopes up. I finally got a blood work done that day and got the results Friday afternoon. I WAS PREGNANT!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Brigham and I just began to get teary eyed. I wanted to call my mom, but we were planning on taking cute announcing pictures later that day, so I had to wait. Friday we told our parents and they could not get over it. This whole process was coming to an end. We were finally having a baby. I can't get over this amazing blessing. This trail has been the greatest thing for our marriage. We have had to come together and make some of the hardest decisions. We made it through. We can't thank the supportive family enough for everything. So many prayers and so many words of encouragements. Thank you all!